Lost in Showbiz likes to think of itself as something of a pop pundit, blessed with both the ability to spot musical talent from afar and an innate knowledge of what the public wants to hear. So imagine its delight at the news that Katie Price is once more pursuing her singing career, previously stymied on the footling grounds that her singing bears a remarkable resemblance to the sound of the recently restored 1905 foghorn on Sumburgh Head. LiS had always held that this is an example of the backwards thinking that has brought the music industry to its knees and finds itself thrilling to every aspect of her musical career’s revival. First, there was the performance of her new single, I Got U, on ITV’s Loose Women, throughout which the other panelists wore expressions LiS recognised as similar to those sported by its fellow parents when the Year One Violin Group set about Little Donkey at the school Christmas concert. Then there’s the intriguing figure of her musical collaborator, DJ Tom Zanetti, “a big name in UK house music”, according to the Sun, which went on to say he “has risen from the underground to become one of the biggest players in the genre. His signature track, You Want Me, peaked at No 22 in the charts.” LiS confesses that his signature track somehow passed it by, but a quick Google reveals it gained the kind of endorsement LiS has long thought of as the absolute gold stamp of musical quality
And then there’s the promotional campaign, which included a return to Mallorca, following her triumphant 2016 appearance at McTavishes’ karaoke bar, which ended with Price being forcibly ejected from the venue after abusing the audience. This time, there was a personal appearance at the island’s upscale BH hotel, an establishment one picky TripAdvisor review cheeringly describes as “hell”.
“She spoke nonstop about sex and blow jobs,” protested one onlooker, while another claimed that Price encouraged partygoers to get onstage and perform oral sex. Pausing briefly from checking late availability at the BH hotel – it likes the sound of the pool party hosted by someone from The Only Way Is Essex – LiS finds itself punching the air: do these two events not offer proof that the nihilistic, confrontational spirit of Iggy Pop in the dying days of the Stooges is still abroad if you know where to look? Here, it cries, is the antidote to the beige-ification of pop! Make way, polite, well-trained Brit School graduates! Katie Price is here, honking like a despondent goose, talking nonstop about sex and blow jobs and being forcibly ejected from her own gigs! Rock’n’roll! ROCK’N’ROLL!
And so to the pages of the Daily Express, where news has broken of a terrifying new frontier in the world of online fraud. “A spokesman for Sir Cliff Richardannounces the singer’s name is being used in internet scams,” it said, warning devotees that “bogus Cliffs in cyberspace … have befriended fans and in some cases tried to trick them into handing over money”.
LiS does not take internet fraud lightly, but confesses itself perversely impressed by the cunning invention of scammers who have chosen to use Sir Cliff’s name in their dubious schemes. It can easily imagine the delight of the unwitting Sir Cliff fan who finds in their inbox this unmissable offer: “Hi, I’m Sir Cliff Richard and I’m here to ask you a simple question. Want a BIG Penis? My Doctor-Approved Pill Will Actually Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge Your Penis. 100% GUARANTEED!
No more ‘Miss You Nights’ after you massively enlarge your penis and experience big gains in only weeks!” What self-respecting Cliff fan would fail to be intrigued on receipt of a communication from their idol detailing the complexities of his background? “Hello, I am international superstar and Living Doll hitmaker Sir Cliff Richard. Before the death of my father, King Otumfuo Opoku Ware II, I was authorised and officially known as the next successor and beneficiary of my father’s property according to Ashanti traditional rite.” And who among their ranks could fail to be moved by this heartfelt plea in a time of crisis? “Hi, this is Cliff Richard. Sadly, my holiday around Europe in a double-decker bus with Melvyn Hayes and Una Stubbs has turned into a big mess. We were mugged at knifepoint, all cash, cell phones and credit cards were taken off us. They even stole Hank Marvin’s glasses.” LiS heaves a sigh at the depths to which fraudsters will sink and warns admirers of the Peter Pan of Pop to be careful out there.